The Journey a Vampire Needs
by jenniferlovvrence
Summary: Bella leaves the Cullens trying to figure out her vampire nature when Jacob litteraly falls back into her life. Read the story of a woman who finally realized the horrors of forever, and the pain you feel when you're the only one left.


**A/N: When the story starts, it's somewhere in Breaking Dawn. Bella did NOT get pregnant so there is no pregnancy scene. This is several years after she had been turned to a vampire. She left the Cullen's for a journey to understand her nature and the choice she has made (just like Edward did when he was turned and killed many people because he was rebelling against Carlisle.) **

My throat seared in pain.

Again.

And I cursed the next living creature that would cross my path.

My mother had once warned me as a child, when I was still alive, that the dead had a routine. That one routine they followed and used everyday like a drug, and they never gave it up. And the worst part of it is: They never realize it.

I almost laughed at myself for not grasping the reality sooner about how right she is about this. My engaging pattern: stand, run, watch, kill, stand, run, watch, kill... the never ending immortality where I have to somehow live through the days of the rest of the world, hiding myself because I have no certain moral in humanity anymore. The days I give up my time from the routine and stalk a man instead of an animal so he could scarify his blood to quench my thirst.

There was this time, a long time ago, where I witnessed a man trying to jump off a bridge. He was tall, and annoying noticeable to anyone nearby. His hair hung below his neck thickly, and limply. I had looked around to see if anybody would detect and save this strangely tall male, or even inject some common sanity into him.

But no one approached. Why would they? It's the middle of the night. There was no reason for any human being to loiter around at such a time.

So I watched as he took his shirt off, revealing his rippling muscles, and folding his shirt slowly and neatly. As if he was buying time. He stepped onto the ledge, taking deep breaths.

I remembered that one time, a few years ago, after I was turned; I attempted at suicide by jumping of the edge of a cliff. I had my human mannerism and had taken deep breaths as if to calm my nerves. Even though I knew that the jump was futile.

This man was going to jump.

I felt this surge of unadulterated anger towards him. I would kill a thousand lives just to get my soul back to my body. To have my _own _blood coursing through my veins. I was a stupid teenager making stupid choices. This was the consequences. But I want to live. Yet, this man was going to give it all up, probably because of some stupid problem at home which he could easily solve. I have a reason. I'm a vampire, and what better reason to kill yourself.

If I cannot escape this living hell, then neither can he.

As he took his next breath, he must've felt my presence beside him for he turned his head, shocked.

"What are you doing here?" The man's eyes showed fear, and full of guilt, but his face did not. I didn't answer him. I just tilted my head sideways, making him blush at my inhuman beauty. He strangely relaxed. "Who are you?" His voice seemed amused and hurt. What a strange combination.

"I am God," I replied with a sweet smile.

It was a mocking answer, but I wanted him to take me seriously, which he did.

"Oh, well this changes things. I just expected the Almighty God would come down to this lovely piece of shit hole in the shape of a man. I'm so sorry. You must've come here to punish me, didn't you? I was going to kill myself." His voice was as mocking as mine, but I heard it quiver when he looked into my eyes.

"Why?" I asked curiously.

"Shouldn't you know?" he spat, his mood suddenly changing. "It's your fault that I have a shitty life! It's all your damned faul –." The man had proceeded to grab the collar of my shirt. I was faster. Before his slender fingers could touch the hem of my clothes, I pushed him lightly in the abdomen. He lost his footing on the ledge.

He fell.

In my eyes, he fell slowly. He looked up at me with utter betrayal. That confused me a great deal. I had only given him what he craved for: Death. I smiled a little at the thought, giggling at a private joke even you cannot fathom. I could feel a stinging sensation in the back of my eyeballs when he closed his eyes. I wanted to cry.

I jumped off the bridge along with him, catching up with his body quickly. His head turned sideways to examine me. He wasn't afraid. These were the eyes of a man who had seen Death a million times before. He held so much sorrow in his heart; _my_ cold heart broke for him.

He looked away towards the heavens, and whispered. "I love you Bells."

Bells. Bells.

Suddenly, every memory that had ever been born with the russet-skinned boy with the strong wide smile like sunshine hit me. His teeth shining brightly when he saw the pale woman with the permanent blush colored in her cheeks. His hair, a curtain of black satin on either side of his gorgeous, sharp face. His hard muscles in large contours, making Jacob Black. My Jacob Black.

The memories took no more than a millisecond.

I felt some liquid come down my cheeks, fanning out due to the pressure of the gravity and the wind. Jacob reached to my cheeks, rubbing away the liquid and brought it back to his face.

Blood.

Animal blood.

Those are my tears.

When we first hit water, I remember whispering to the clouds, "Goodbye Edward."

I was free.

Jacob wouldn't let me come near him as I watched the life fade away from his once happy eyes. He gladly drank in the cold, killer waters, quickening his death.

I let those tears of mine bleed into the water, tinting it with a dark wispy purple.

He watched me the entire time and I could almost hear him whispering to me: "It's your fault. Your damn fault."

I mouthed to him past the blood that swirled between us, _I love you._

He shook his head sadly, and closed his eyes. I momentarily wondered if he was thinking that I should've accepted him when we were both still living on land.

His body began to jerk and his skin began to pale. His black eyes widened in panic, his hands clawing through the water, searching for something….air.

I swan towards him during his time of pathetic attempts to grab onto the last essence of his life. I could see he was losing consciousness. Before his eyes closed, I detected fear and denial. _I'm sorry_, I mouthed again.

I kissed his growing cold lips. Again and again. I wanted his last few breaths to be mine. I craved it like he craved Death. I cursed myself mentally for even thinking he could breathe under water.

I did the only thing an insane, lonely vampire could do and give.

I bit him.

That woke him up from his breathless bliss. I saw that he was attempting to breathe through his nostrils, instead sucking in the stinging water. I grabbed him by the waist and began to pull him to the surface. He kicked against my arms, pushing himself deeper. I could hear his muffled screams through the water. I knew the venom was too painful for him to fight.

I swam to shore where no one conveniently stood.

Jacob screamed and thrashed against my deathly yet motherly arms.

"Shh, shh, quiet my dear."

He screeched louder.

"Won't you accompany me? We can see the world together. We'll be together forever. I'll love you and you'll love me. Stay with me my Jacob."

He tried to respond, but I was met with all the more screams.

"I promise to love you forever."

3 days later

(A/N: I know werewolves can't be vampires, but this is my fanfic, so I'm just going to pretend that they can.)

I carried and hid him deep under the Earth to let him transform. _Preferably called a sewer,_ I thought wryly to myself. The entire place was infested with thousands of rats. But at least I was provided food during the long wait. The days went by so slowly I almost compelled myself to count every second. And I did. 259,200.

The third day came by finally and Jacob's screams minimized to moans and whimpers. When all sounds coming from him ceased, I leaned forward from my crouch expectantly.

Jacob rose with stealth and poise. His gleaming red eyes bored into my gold ones. They were angry, hungry and miserable.

His long black hair gleamed in the strand of light pouring in from the sewer top like a raven's wings. His body was taller, if not leaner, resembling ironically like a feline's movement. He no longer looked soft and breakable. His chest became hard and still. He is forever frozen.

Before I knew it, he pinned me to the wall of the sewer tunnel.

He was laughing maniacally, his eyes in level with mine. His skin didn't feel cold, but warm. Human warm. Is this what happens when werewolves become vampires? Their 1-oh-8 temperature becomes cold that they have a human's temperature? Hah, lucky.

"You call yourself a God? Is that what you are?" he bellowed into my ear. "My Goddess, I worship you for letting me LIVE MY MISERY TILL THE END OF THE WORLD!" he yelled sarcastically. His laughter was gone. But then he smirked, and then chuckled. "I hate you so much right now Isabella. I hate you so damn much!"

"That's not what you said _before_," I mumbled darkly.

"You're not her!" Loud hacking sobs were cutting through his words, but he realized that no tears would fall. "You're not Bella! You're the fucked up thing that killed her! Oh… my God! How could you do this to me? You really fucked things up now, Isabella." He put a brown, marble hand to his throat. "It hurts."

I grabbed at a rat that was scampering over my feet to him. I tore its head off and offered. He watched in horror as his arm automatically lifted.

"I don't want this. I don't want this!" Jacob snatched the rat and drank it whole. He grabbed another, following the same techniques I did.

"Jacob, I love you." It was the wrong thing to say. He hissed. He ran at me again and began to snap at my throat. I didn't move an inch. "I love you, so you can kill me. I will forgive you." I secretly wished he would. But if he killed me, he would be so alone. Shunned by his brothers for becoming the very thing that they loathed. Sadness overwhelmed his un-beating heart and cold, dead body. He rests his head on my shoulder, trying to cry again. He leaned in and placed a warm kiss at my neck.

"I hate you," he whispered again. He didn't mean it. I could read his lie. Inside, he was so happy he could burst. He was with his true love again. He knew that I knew this fact.

"But I love you. We'll be together, forever," I replied, placing my own lips at his non-existent pulse.

"Forever," he agreed grudgingly.

But forever did not last.

A few years later, in Africa, we learned that Jacob could change back to his wolf form, even as a vampire. I was so excited for him then. His wolf brothers didn't shun him like I thought. Through their telepathic connection, they were angry and disappointed at me, but were glad that Jacob was somewhat happy and shared the information of the outside world which they could never see.

Being with Jacob was the most wonderful experience I've ever had. Things weren't so serious all the time. Except on Sundays where we spent the entire 24 hours praying. There were also times where we traveled back to Washington to mourn for our lost family. Charlie, Renee, Billy, Sam, Jared, Embry, Quil, Paul, Emily, Leah, Seth and even dear Angela were all gone. All of them. Renee had made to it that her grave would be next to Charlie's no matter what. I knew then that my mother had never stopped loving my father. And I was happy seeing my parents together again. I only wish it were for another circumstance. But she also meant for it to be next to mine. If only she knew that my coffin was empty….

We would communicate with the new, young wolves, but Jacob's mind always wandered back to his brothers and his loving father.

His kisses were warm and sweet, like being with a human Jacob again. We made love so many times, sometimes for years on end, I thought that I never had to feel as I had punished myself into Evil.

A two centuries later when Jacob and I traveled to Italy to see the ancient architectures, one of the Volturi guards had passed by, questioning Jacob about his odd scent. We didn't say anything other than giving them a questioning glance. I put a shield around the two of us, hoping that they'd just let us pass.

They didn't.

Aro demanded that he hear Jacob's thoughts, but my shield around our bodies had in a way electrocuted him when he tried to put his hand on Jacob's. Then Jane went to him, reporting that Jacob was one the wolves from La Push during the Victoria Massacre.

Aro took a new interest in the case. He said it was illegal to have a werewolf - a Child of the Moon - to become a vampire. He was a danger to all vampire kind.

We denied killing any vampires, but they wouldn't listen. I couldn't even understand the danger of which Jacob could bring to them. How was I to know a rule that never existed before? Even my shield couldn't protect us, due to the fact that we had stayed trapped in front of the Volturi for weeks with no blood. My shield weakened.

They attacked.

I tried over and over again to let Jacob save himself and run away. But being stubborn as he is, he wanted to fight to death.

And he did.

Jane and Alec together was something no one vampire could manage. I tried to ward them off with my shield, but what good did that do? They punished him, giving Aro the pleasure of ending his immortal life. I once again cried for the second time as a vampire. Blood ran down my cheeks, my chest being punctured with anguish. I screamed louder than I possibly thought I could, shattering the windows and vintage ceramic vases. It hurt more than learning about my family's death. I was losing my companion.

Caius found it remarkable that I could cry in such a vulgar way. I begged him to just kill me so I could escape this place to be with Jacob. To escape this place and finally be in peace.

They refused.

As a punishment.

Once again, I am alone, wondering if everything would've been different if I had chosen to stay alive with him.

I laughed humorlessly at that. Of course things would be different. You'd be alive. You'd have great-great-grandchildren. You'd be _dead_. I went to Church every Sunday after they locked it up and cry blood in loss for my love. I wasn't going to get revenge. Not because I wouldn't win, but because I didn't want to be like the vengeful vampire that had been after me.

Not like _her_.

I went back to see Edward.

He was well, but he hadn't chosen another mate. He said he would only have me. But I warned him that I would never be his. My heart will never belong to one person.

I told him that I was still human.

Then I left him again.

I dug a grave next to my family and stayed there for a few nights, speaking through the dirt about everything I felt and saw through the years. I knew that no sound had escaped my mouth while I was down there.

And somehow I felt that they were listening to me speak. I wished that they were smiling and telling me that they loved me, or were yelling at me for making a mistake.

I turned my head to the right –the location of my mother's coffin.

I wanted to ask her about my grandmother. I wanted to know how _she_ knew that dead people have a routine. I craved to understand every single thing that my mother knew.

"Mom, do you remember Granny? You told me that when good people die, they go to heaven and are reborn as the good things around us. You said that they would become the air, and the grass, and the sky." I could hear myself speak about the memory. It was so hazy, but it was the one memory that was so prominent of my mother.

"I hope that happened to Jacob," I whispered shyly. I could feel myself slowly smiling. The first smile in a long, long time. "I hope he becomes the sun. And I hope you and Dad are trees, right beside each other. Apple trees. I think Granny was that daisy that grew in our yard winter day in California. Maybe Mike Newton became a golden retriever in his new life."

I was full out laughing now.

"And you know what else? I won't have a routine. I'll be Bella Swan. I'll be that clumsy girl with the smarts. I'll open a book store or a bakery, just like we promised to open one day. I _will_ be that Bella Swan."

The whole time, not a sound escaped my mouth.

After those few nights, I went back to the Cullen's, who were back in the big white mansion again. I told them everything, even the part about Jacob and I kissing and making love. It wasn't something embarrassing. But something beautiful.

I then realized something. Something I wished since the day I left.

I was done with my journey.

OK, well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed it, and remember to:

REVIEW PLEASE!


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